16 Jun 2008 - 07:51:48 am
It me, a visible creature
They said that I am the imperfect part, so I should keep my self away, out there in the dark, knowing nothing, saying nothing, and doing nothing, just obey the orders of the other honorable parts in my family, the men, and never ever say no.
They said that as far as I don’t have a man behind me, to support me then, I should keep silent; the man is my source of power, respect and honor.
Many nights have passed and I was looking to my image reflected on the mirror trying to figure out what is missing, or what is wrong with me, though I gazed carefully but I could not find anything. In many times while my father and brothers were not home, I was talking to my mother, discussing with her, and trying to find a way, an escape from the siege that imposed on me, but her only reply was; it is how we are raised and it is how you should also be raised, you cannot argue, or say anything but to agree to what your father says.
I could read books, lots of books; I could sneak and hide myself behind the door, and listen to the disputes, and arguments of my father and brothers, while my mother is sitting there also at the same corner, unable to say anything.
The years passed so quickly, and it was the time for me to get married according to the words of my father and brothers, suddenly I found myself in another house, with another strange man, sharing his bed, his home and his life, I was happy because I felt that he might be different in the way he treated me, and that I might have a chance to be me, in my own words, but it seems that this was another illusion that the men in my society cannot accept it, or even risk that a woman could be better than them.
I have to accept the new life, to sacrifice, though it was not a happy marriage, but the respect, honor that the existence of a man in my life brought me was worth to keep on and to continue. For the first time I was allowed to talk, to express myself, although my family did not give me a full ear but I was allowed to say something and all because I am married.
The years passed and I could not give my husband what he wanted, a child, a boy precisely, so he decided to find another woman, a virgin who could give him a son.
With the idea of having another woman in my husband’s life, I have decided to leave him, and go back to my parents’ house, I know how my life will be, again I will be this invisible, helpless creature, but this time it is even worse. I am a divorced woman, whose husband decided to leave her for the sake of another woman; I will be disgraced by my family, my neighbors and by my society.
However, I will not allow them to disgrace me for something beyond my control; I will take the chance and live my life for once as I wanted it to be. I’ll draw the lines of my own book, and color it with my colors. I will prove to them that I am a human, with full dignity, will, and good judgment, and I will make a difference, even if it is a small difference. I will be me, I will not hide anymore, I will accept myself as I am and let those around me accept me as I am. I will not be ashamed of being a woman, a divorced, single or married one. I will raise my voice as loud as I can, and will say No.
They said that as far as I don’t have a man behind me, to support me then, I should keep silent; the man is my source of power, respect and honor.
Many nights have passed and I was looking to my image reflected on the mirror trying to figure out what is missing, or what is wrong with me, though I gazed carefully but I could not find anything. In many times while my father and brothers were not home, I was talking to my mother, discussing with her, and trying to find a way, an escape from the siege that imposed on me, but her only reply was; it is how we are raised and it is how you should also be raised, you cannot argue, or say anything but to agree to what your father says.
I could read books, lots of books; I could sneak and hide myself behind the door, and listen to the disputes, and arguments of my father and brothers, while my mother is sitting there also at the same corner, unable to say anything.
The years passed so quickly, and it was the time for me to get married according to the words of my father and brothers, suddenly I found myself in another house, with another strange man, sharing his bed, his home and his life, I was happy because I felt that he might be different in the way he treated me, and that I might have a chance to be me, in my own words, but it seems that this was another illusion that the men in my society cannot accept it, or even risk that a woman could be better than them.
I have to accept the new life, to sacrifice, though it was not a happy marriage, but the respect, honor that the existence of a man in my life brought me was worth to keep on and to continue. For the first time I was allowed to talk, to express myself, although my family did not give me a full ear but I was allowed to say something and all because I am married.
The years passed and I could not give my husband what he wanted, a child, a boy precisely, so he decided to find another woman, a virgin who could give him a son.
With the idea of having another woman in my husband’s life, I have decided to leave him, and go back to my parents’ house, I know how my life will be, again I will be this invisible, helpless creature, but this time it is even worse. I am a divorced woman, whose husband decided to leave her for the sake of another woman; I will be disgraced by my family, my neighbors and by my society.
However, I will not allow them to disgrace me for something beyond my control; I will take the chance and live my life for once as I wanted it to be. I’ll draw the lines of my own book, and color it with my colors. I will prove to them that I am a human, with full dignity, will, and good judgment, and I will make a difference, even if it is a small difference. I will be me, I will not hide anymore, I will accept myself as I am and let those around me accept me as I am. I will not be ashamed of being a woman, a divorced, single or married one. I will raise my voice as loud as I can, and will say No.
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